Inanimate
by bleachyum
Summary: Naruto likes to talk to inanimate objects. Gaara sleeps over for a slumber party. Team 7 finds out his secret and Naruto and Gaara are sent to a therapist. Rated T for cursing, innuendo, and implied yaoi as a joke. Oneshot, unless you guys beg for more.RR


/Inanimate\

By: Bleachyum

Chapter 1: Prolouge

Disclaimer: Sharon and Chandler do not own Naruto, if so, Sharon would make Naruto into SUPERNARUTO and kill Sakura and Emo Sasuke off...

Warning!!! IMPLIED YAOI...But as a joke...Come on, i bet at school, the guys act gay as a joke right?!! WELL IT'S KINDA LIKE THAT!!! COMPLETE OOC-NESS!!!  
you have been warned!!!! so don't fuckin flame us saying shit...ALSO IT'S A PARODY!! it's supposed to be funny...

read and review, you batches of muffins!!!

Summary: Naruto likes to talk to inanimate objects. Gaara sleeps over for a slumber party. Team 7 finds out his secret and Naruto and Gaara are sent to a psychiatrist.

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Naruto's eyes fluttered open much to his distaste; it was very dark for some reason. He was also cranky because he couldn't hear the sounds of the birds chirping. It made his day go smoothly when he got his paintball gun that was under his bed and _accidentally_ targeted a robin through the sniper and _accidentally _pulled the trigger. But no sir, he would never shoot a mockingbird, it was a SIN. He read that in a novel or something. 

The morning also reminded him that he was alive which made him feel even worse. It made him feel like crap and he would love to kill himself, but alas, he was far too lazy. So our Naruto sat up, and untangled his legs from Gaara's (they were both painting each other's toenails black with silver sparkles and fell asleep) and tried to open the door of his closet to enter his room. He succeeded.

Naruto stood up, closed his eyes and stretched, being careful to not wake Gaara up. Naruto tried to open his eyes but was blinded by the awful sunlight. He carefully walked to his desk but stopped and looked sadly at Yume, his bed, remembering that Yume was still mad at him.

Which explained the fact that Gaara and Naruto were having a 'slumber party' (something they never done in their childhood and decided to 'have' one). Yume was mad at him for writing in Neko-chan (his diary) too much and was neglecting her (Yume gets easily jealous).

Yes, Uzumaki Naruto had a secret that only he and a few selected others knew. The secret was: Uzumaki Naruto likes to talk to inanimate objects that are just lying around. The objects that are abandoned and or broken are taken under Naruto's wing and are carefully nursed back to health. A few would say that he was crazy, but actually, he was just plain lonely.

He sat on the stool at his desk and turned on Stacey (the lamp) while Gaara was in Naruto's closet and was sleeping next to Kakashi (the broom). Naruto flipped open the pages of his diary, ignoring all the random scribbles and drawings, until he found a blank page for a new entry.

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_September 18__th__ 2006_

_Dear Neko-chan,_

_Last night I slept in my closet with Gaara. It was dark. Just like my soul. Nobody will understand my pain. Except you, I would love you Neko-chan, only I have no love to give. My life is so dark._ ('My life is so dark' is smeared and has a dried up tear stain)

_-Naruto_

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He got up from his stool and walked out towards the bathroom. On his way he slipped on a band shirt and cracked his nose on the floor. His nose started to bleed. After noticing that he was bleeding, Naruto pulled Neko-chan out from his pocket and also pulled a pen out from his nose. He flipped to a random page and wrote. Blood splashed on the pages...

(A/N. DAMN IT!! THIS PART GOT FUCKIN DELETED AND I ALSO DELETED THE WORD DOCUMENT!!)

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_Dear Neko-chan,_

_My nose is bleding. The blood tastes so gewd_(Few drops of blood on the words 'gewd')._ Gosh, I wish I was a vampyre like Gaara, and then I cewld join a vampyre famili. Then I would belong instead of being a fucking minarity in this shitti village!!!!!!_

_Forever Yours,  
Naruto_

_P.S. fuk speling!!!  
P.P.S. Sorry if I was opset, but I'm so cranki and stoopyd at __**9 A.M. to 9:05 A.M. **_

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Naruto put Neko-chan back in his butt pocket and shoved the pen back in his left nostril and started to walk to the bathroom. He opened the door and looked at the mirror. He looked pale, sickly and had bags under his eyes. He also had some eyeliner, mascara, and lipgloss that Gaara put on during the 'Make Over' section of the slumber party. 

He blinked and took two steps to Sakura (his toilet) and kissed her before giving her a big hug then taking a dump in her. After fifteen minutes he started to flush. And when he flushed, he sung his special song, which he made up with Gaara one day. It went like this:

"Round and round my shit shall go, where it shall stop, only Neko-chan knows!"

He walked to the sink and washed his hands with 99.8999 Percent Anti-Bacteria Foam Soap that smelled like 'Bits of Glass Muffins' and walked out of the bathroom and right before he shut the door he whispered, "I'm sorry, but I don't think our relationship is going to work anymore. I like some one else."

There was a pregnant pause before Naruto broke it, "No! Trust me, it's not you, it's me!"

There was another pause, "You know what?! Fine, I see how it is, bitch!"

He was about to slam the door shut until he remembered something!"Oh yeah I forgot to say Good morning to Trevor (shower)! Oh my, how could I ever forgotten?!"

So after saying good morning to Trevor and complimenting him, he shunned Sakura (his toilet) and slammed the door and walked to the kitchen.

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He was walking into the kitchen while simultaneously touching his ass to see if Neko-chan was still there. Once he was satisfied he decided to open Channie (his pantry) to see if there was any bread to toast in Travis (toaster). He opened the small pantry and found Gaara sitting in the fetal position and was also hyperventilating. Naruto didn't know what to do, and in any situation he did what any one else would do. 

"AH! PANDA-MAN IS HUGGING SASUKE!!" Naruto yelled and ran to his room and sat down in a dark corner and pulled Neko-chan out of his pocket. He found an empty page and stabbed his pen that came from his nose and wrote words of agony and hate.

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_Dear Neko-chan,_

_Gaara is hugging/groping Sasuke. I bet he likes Sasuke more. That's why Gaara won't 'hug' me and touch me everywhere like he used to in the Closet…I'm so lonely. Panda-man doesn't love me anymore!!! Do you still love me, Neko-chan? Of course you do!! You always do! That's why I love you so much! If I could love, but no! I am a monster! And in every fan fiction, all my neglected/abused childhood memories are extremely exaggerated comparing to the actualy anime. But yes! Nobody loves me anymore. Hold on; let me ask Gaara if he still loves me!_

_Naruto_

_P.S. Yay! Gaara loves me!!! But too bad my heart is made out of ice..._

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Naruto walked out of his bedroom and slowly walked to the kitchen. He went to Sharrie(fridge) opened her and felt around to touch something. Once he touched the thing he wanted his eyes started to sparkle and pulled it out quickly. He put a (some :P) pot on Borris(stove) and turned the knob to HIGH. He manouvered himself to Channie(pantry) and got himself some cup ramen. He opened it and poured boiling milk in and added the spicy packet. As he was stirring, he looked up to see Gaara crying. Naruto gave him a death glare as Gaara was stroking Sasuke with passion, feeling Sasuke's body as tears started to drop from Gaara's eyes.

Gaara smiled at Sasuke and asked, "do you love me?"

The picture of a chicken named Sasuke, who was currently in Gaara's hands, did not reply.

"WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER TO PANDA-MAN?!!! DO YOU LIKE SEXY FOX INSTEAD?!!"

Sasuke said nothing.

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Sharon's Author Note: Alright, it's 2:18 in the morning and so far all that crap was about 1,234 words not including the title, the disclaimer, and this very long author's note. Okay this fanfic is like a parody or a crackfic… Like at midnight, chandler and I were talking, and then we started talking about We talked about the recent fics we read and how amazing they were or how long it has been since we updated our stories. Don't worry, we're just very lazy. Okay all of a sudden we had this idea! Why not make a parody of most of the crackfics? So this is an unusually long 'parody' fic. But hey, we tried. 

Chandler was suppose to write it but she decided to sleep -.-

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i wasn't sleeping, i read a book then reflected on my childhood memories, then i cried like an emo cocofin! DUH!

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BOW DOWN TO CHANNIE!!!! _x3 channie_ _

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_Sharon:_

The story line is kind of set. We'll try to make it as hilarious as possible…

Any flames? We throw them in a hole that goes straight to Hell a.k.a Sakura the Toilet.  
Any praise, comments, suggestions, and compliments? Review us.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM IS KINDLY APPRECIATED!!

I have a problem with my writing style; I unconsciously switch from the past tense to the present tense which I completely ignore… So point out any errors, and I'll try to learn from my mistakes.

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Don't worry, sharon, i do that too! _x3 channie_ _

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_Sharon: _That just makes me feel even worse... -.-

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I bet none of you read that Author's note, if so, thanks!!! 

PLEASE REVIEW!!!

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Chandler's Author Notes: 

blah _x3 Sharrie_

HEEYYYYYY! I DIDN'T WRITE THAT! FUCK YOU SHARON!_ x3 channie_

MOSTLY WRITTEN AND EDITED BY: SHARON…. (but i gave the FOUNDATION _x3 channie)_

YOU ONLY GAVE ME 438 FUCKING WORDS OF FOUNDATION!!! THAT'S A FAILURE!!!! _x3sharrie_

_review or ELSE!!!(we won't update and never ever update our other fics again!) HAH! _it's not like we update anyways :P  
for some reason the paragraphs are not indenting!!!!

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